tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9609786090692749692024-02-20T15:01:41.647-08:00I just found this on a messageboardAnd other internet oddities.Davlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791107368194856232noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-960978609069274969.post-51572953430556021802012-10-12T16:40:00.001-07:002013-03-19T13:42:16.835-07:00 Anathema: A multimedia novella<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="lightpanel roundedtop">
<h2>
Part I</h2>
<div class="textpostbody">
<div class="textpostbody">
It’s been almost a year since the last time I shared your bed. I remember laying on my side; both of us exhausted of accusations from the two week argument and just watching your face. I tattooed every detail onto my memory. I remember thinking, “this is the last time I’m going to see the love of my life.” Again, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back…<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBsjGmvoFYE" target="_blank" title="The dolphin's cry"><span style="color: #41797e;">The dolphin’s cry-Live</span></a><br />
<br />
We met through mutual friends on Myspace and, though we’d never met face to face, you remained my absolute favorite person. <a href="http://aninscrutablevoyeur.tumblr.com/" target="_blank" title="An inscrutable voyeur"><span style="color: #41797e;">I’d always loved you from afar</span></a>. We were always seeing someone else and when we weren’t, <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/24587213397/this-is-the-first-part-of-me-talking-about-my" target="_blank" title="My time in the mental hospital"><span style="color: #41797e;">we were absolutely fucked from when life took its toll</span></a>. <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/24593580242/part-two-of-my-first-night-in-the-mental-hospital#notes" target="_blank" title="My time in the mental hospital"><span style="color: #41797e;">I got herpes</span></a>; you had your own sacred scar. Even though we’d go for months without speaking, we could sense when the other was suffering and pick them up when no one else seemed to give a damn.<br />
<br />
I began to experience <a href="http://davlinisnotyourfriend.blogspot.com/2011/01/learning-how-to-smile.html" target="_blank" title="Professional"><span style="color: #41797e;">professional</span></a> and <a href="http://davlinisnotyourfriend.blogspot.com/2011/03/reflections-on-my-time-in-california.html" target="_blank" title="Reflections on california"><span style="color: #41797e;">artistic successes</span></a>. Life finally seemed to fall into place. But I didn’t have what I truly desired. I didn’t have you. Finally, I made the most <a href="http://aninscrutablevoyeur.tumblr.com/post/37873813967/vagary" target="_blank" title="Vagary"><span style="color: #41797e;">terrifying proclamation</span></a> of my life.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-DneD0z1mE" target="_blank" title="Inevitable"><span style="color: #41797e;">Inevitable-Anberlin</span></a><br />
<span style="color: #41797e;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #41797e;"><img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maw23iROGr1ro8mpx.jpg" /></span><br />
<br />
To my astonishment, <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/04/unfinished-post-from-scattered-thoughts_3549.html" target="_blank" title="Deleted Scene"><span style="color: #41797e;">you reciprocated</span></a>. I got to see <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/04/unfinished-post-from-scattered-thoughts_14.html" target="_blank" title="Deleted Scene"><span style="color: #41797e;">the side of you</span></a> I’d longed for ever since we’d met four years prior. Around this time I was also accepted into a film school. We began to <a href="http://davlinisnotyourfriend.blogspot.com/2011/02/this-is-what-i-want-proclamation.html" target="_blank" title="What could have been"><span style="color: #41797e;">plan our relationship</span></a> around this; giving us each the time we’d needed <a href="http://davlinisnotyourfriend.blogspot.com/2011/02/heres-what-i-think.html" target="_blank" title="Here's what I think"><span style="color: #41797e;">in order to attain the strength needed</span></a> in order to make something this important work. Then it fell through after I’d already quit and decided to move in with you right off the bat. Mom encouraged me to <a href="http://davlinisnotyourfriend.blogspot.com/2011/03/after-tonight.html" target="_blank" title="After that happens..."><span style="color: #41797e;">visit you</span></a> before I did anything too rash. The next morning I was on my way to Tennessee.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBLhQWiq2Bc" target="_blank" title="Sunsets and car crashes"><span style="color: #41797e;">Sunsets and car crashes-The Spill Canvas</span></a><br />
<span style="color: #41797e;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #41797e;"><img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maw2nb8X1o1ro8mpx.jpg" /></span><br />
<br />
It was the absolute best week of my life, but it wasn’t meant to last.<br />
<h1>
<a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/21610417184/back-home-reader-discretion-advised" rel="bookmark">Back Home (READER DISCRETION ADVISED)</a></h1>
It took selling almost all my possessions and left a lot of business unfinished, but I made my way and took my rightful place at your side. <a href="http://lyricsandfabrications.blogspot.com/2012/04/these-ulcerating-truths.html" target="_blank" title="These Ulcerating truths"><span style="color: #41797e;">Unfortunately I managed to smuggle all my baggage and flaws along with me, which slowly tore down everything we’d worked so hard to build.</span></a><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4rca2IJgIw" target="_blank" title="It's not a bad little war"><span style="color: #41797e;">It’s not a bad little war-Bayside</span></a><br />
<span style="color: #41797e;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #41797e;"><img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maw44tw4FK1ro8mpx.jpg" /></span><br />
<h2>
Part II</h2>
<div class="textpostbody">
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq0hr0eImXc" target="_blank" title="Hands open"><span style="color: #41797e;">Hands open-Snow Patrol</span></a><br />
<span style="color: #41797e;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #41797e;"><img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_max9496SVa1ro8mpx.jpg" /></span><br />
<br />
The afterglow of being together started to fade quickly when the reality of our actions set in. Financial woes, my vices and you not being completely ready for a full time commitment lead to an <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/29951912474/drowning" target="_blank" title="drowning"><span style="color: #41797e;">argument which never actually ended</span></a>.<br />
<br />
Over the next six months our bond degenerated rapidly. I know you’d tell people I broke your trust and I can’t deny this. However, I endured more callous actions from you on a daily basis than you did during our entire relationship, but I shouldered the infractions because I felt what we had was worthwhile. The truth is you pushed me away from the instant I moved there and didn’t have the guts to be honest with me about your feelings in anything other than shouting or passive aggressive comments. So, I allowed you to <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/29354574670/scrap-36" target="_blank" title="Scrap"><span style="color: #41797e;">play the victim</span></a>. <br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maxa6w8CKq1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
You ended it on an anniversary which said more than you ever could with those insults and accusations. After I’d already quit my job and prepared for the trek back to Texas, you convinced me to go with you to South Carolina for the <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/29324289373/ok-here-it-is-the-truth-about-what-happened" target="_blank" title="The truth"><span style="color: #41797e;">worst trip of my life.</span></a> Three days after we got back communication broke down even further and we eventually said <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/29353957784/scrap-27" target="_blank" title="Scrap 27"><span style="color: #41797e;">our goodbyes</span></a>, after which <a href="http://thepathofconvalescence.tumblr.com/post/33225594101/the-inevitable-fallout-an-audio-playlet" target="_blank" title="The inevitable fallout"><span style="color: #41797e;">I climbed into my car and retreated to my mother’s house</span></a>.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_max95cFJQk1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4ebIqhsgSc"><span style="color: #41797e;">Rusted from the rain-Billy Talent</span></a><br />
<br />
For the next several weeks I <a href="http://thepathofconvalescence.tumblr.com/post/33534350419/maudlin-an-audio-playlet-spoken-word-davlin" target="_blank" title="Maudlin"><span style="color: #41797e;">languished in that upstairs bedroom</span></a>. Finally, it became too much to bear and I <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/02/on-my-decision-to-end-scattered.html" target="_blank" title="The end of st"><span style="color: #41797e;">wanted to die</span></a> almost as much as I still longed to be with you. Around this time mom’s <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/29951509362/scrap-33" target="_blank" title="Scrap 33"><span style="color: #41797e;">house was broken into</span></a> and I lost almost every <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2011/11/picking-up-pieces.html" target="_blank" title="Picking up pieces"><span style="color: #41797e;">material possession</span></a> I held dear.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_max95jkPmQ1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
As I sifted through the remnants of my life I came across the writing supplies I had bought on a trip with you to Wal-Mart. Desperate for solace; I picked up a pen, put it to paper and began the healing process.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AK7pjrusUpc" target="_blank" title="Garden Statement"><span style="color: #41797e;">Garden Statement-Hidden in Plain View</span></a> </div>
<div class="textpostbody">
<h2>
Part III</h2>
<div class="textpostbody">
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81sa0unAVKY" target="_blank" title="The diary">The Diary-Hollywood Undead</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2011/10/regarding-unintentional-clusterfuck.html" target="_blank" title="Regarding the unintentional clusterfuck">The suicide scare put me at odds</a>
with my mom and step dad, so I started making plans to stay with
someone else. On my last night there I took a package of note cards and
started on a complete rewrite of <i>Scattered Thoughts</i>. I packed
up all the belongings I deemed crucial to my artistic success and left
for my aunt’s before her or Jeff got home. I stayed with her for two
days and on the second one, I completed the newly titled <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2011/11/at-long-last.html" target="_blank" title="At long last"><i>My time in Hell and other whimsical tales</i></a>.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maysjg1xV31ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Mom was putting pressure on me to get myself checked back into the
hospital, but the fact was finishing the book was the best therapy I
could have gotten. The next day I moved in with my cousin, Christy and
stayed in the room I grew up in, along with a whole new set of
triggers. <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2011/11/excurse.html" target="_blank" title="Excurse">You haunted my every thought</a> and each time I closed my eyes <a href="http://davlinisnotyourfriend.blogspot.com/2011/03/her-smile.html" target="_blank" title="that damn smile">there you were</a>
to make sleep impossible. To make matters worse, everyone I’d left
behind six months prior were not shy about letting me know just how <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2011/11/im-back-oh-you-didnt-know-i-left.html" target="_blank" title="Just what I need right now">angry with me</a> they were.<br />
<br />
To get out of the house I’d hit up a Starbucks nearby and started the task of sending out <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2011/11/open-letter-to-literary-agents-of-world.html" target="_blank" title="An open letter to the literary agents of the world">query letters</a> in the hopes some agent would take me on and finally get me published. They didn’t.<br />
<br />
But I wouldn’t be discouraged and started brainstorming how to go
about writing the next chapter. For the better part of a year I’d
planned a book <a href="http://davlinisnotyourfriend.blogspot.com/2011/03/even-though-there-has-been-surge-in.html" target="_blank" title="The greatest love story ever told">dedicated to you</a> and the life <a href="http://davlinisnotyourfriend.blogspot.com/2011/03/restless.html" target="_blank" title="Restless">we were going to build together</a>, though now it didn’t seem appropriate. Inspiration finally struck when I was smoking out with an old co-worker.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maysjw0onq1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
While in Tennessee I came up with this idea to do a horror story
dealing with the supernatural and which was handwritten in a journal.
The plan was to use some of<a href="http://lostmyfaithbutfoundmyway.blogspot.com/" target="_blank" title="Lost my faith, but found my way"> my own stories</a> as the foundation on which I’d build the narrative. Instead, I merged it with the story of us and <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/02/ive-no-reason-to-dream-pitch.html" target="_blank" title="The pitch">I’ve no reason to dream…</a>
became what it is today. After a week of locking myself into that room
and working constantly; it was finished. That’s when I bought a new
journal and started all over again.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ldRnfP833g" target="_blank" title="Jump on my shoulders.">Jump on my shoulders-Awolnation</a><br />
<br />
Something I don’t talk much about is that during this time I was
locked in battle with things most people wouldn’t believe. There was
something after me and <a href="http://lostmyfaithbutfoundmyway.blogspot.com/2012/09/1282011.html" target="_blank" title="Defenseless">it fought fucking dirty</a>. The closer I became to finishing the book; the angrier The Beast would get and my <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/23261092570/scrap-47" target="_blank" title="Always go down swinging">mental state</a> was growing increasingly unstable.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_maysk5dYF81ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Mom got me a job in the kitchen of the nursing home where she works
and I began an ill advised romantic relationship; though the latter
dissolved as abruptly as it had started. I also found out from a mutual
friend just how much you came to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ec9n_ZM8m9o" target="_blank" title="-Blue October">Hate me</a>;
even going so far as to demand my name not be said while in your
presence. It hurt more than I was prepared for and I spiraled further
into self destruction.<br />
In January of this year my <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/23261548024/when-running-from-people-armed-with-knives-who" target="_blank" title="Scrap">car was repossessed</a> and I became even more isolated as a result. I took all the <a href="http://thegrouptherapysessions.tumblr.com/post/26496313749/artist-davlin-pieces-a-collection-of-his" target="_blank" title="A collection">anger</a>, <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2011/10/it-seems-that-im-unlucky-like-tattoo-on.html" target="_blank" title="Unlucky">frustration</a> and <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2011/10/when-i-told-you-how-id-felt-about-you-i.html" target="_blank" title="Every day without you">depression</a>
and pored them out onto the page. Before I knew it, my work was
finished and the demon defeated. I had somehow managed to exorcise it
and now it remains trapped within the <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/29152831370/anathema" target="_blank" title="Anathema">tome</a>. In truth, I don’t like to touch it unless absolutely necessary.<br />
<br />
This is when things turned around as much as I’d be allowed. I self published <a href="http://www.amazon.com/time-other-whimsical-tales-ebook/dp/B007DKNR8C/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1348678928&sr=8-1&keywords=davlin+stewart" target="_blank" title="Buy my fucking book!">My time in Hell…</a>, though it was met with minimal interest. An old flame from my past came back and as we talked I let myself believe my <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/02/evidence-of-angels.html" target="_blank" title="Evidence of angels">feelings were stronger</a> than they were in order to <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/02/open-letter-to-one-ive-left-behind.html" target="_blank" title="Another in a long list of lies">get over you</a>.
My cousin and I got into a massive fight which all but left me
homeless. So, exactly a year after moving to be with you, I hopped on a
bus to South Carolina to see where this next romantic endeavor would
lead. The one thought I couldn’t shake on the 25 hour ride was that it
was cheapening everything I did so we could be together.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbuQHXR0RVc" target="_blank" title="The painful honesty">Between you and I-Every Avenue</a><br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mayskb0lul1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<div class="lightpanel roundedtop">
<h2>
</h2>
<h2>
Part IV</h2>
<div class="textpostbody">
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZFptFV5x4I" target="_blank" title="Shimmer">Shimmer-Fuel</a><br />
<br />
By the time I arrived in SC I was exhausted, starving and anxious.
Jackie was thirty minutes late picking me up and I was dying for a
cigarette, but had to fight the temptation because it was something she
hated. It all comes back to patterns, right? After a quick lunch she
took me to Jonathan’s where I showered and waited for her to come back.
Did I mention she was <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/04/open-letter-to-biggest-piece-of-shit.html" target="_blank" title="No? Must have slipped my mind.">married</a>, which would make pursuing any kind of healthy relationship damn near impossible?<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0tcrXZwx1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
But I stuck it out and for the first week or so things <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/04/always-too-brief.html" target="_blank" title="Ha, no really, it was all awful.">were going great</a>, though it was <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/04/stream-of-conciousness-2-somewhat-of.html" target="_blank" title="It was unrealistic to see it going any other way.">not something we could keep up for much longer</a>.
I started to apply for all the retail jobs I could walk to and tried my
best to remain optimistic about the whole process. She slowly <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/22405749474/of-course-youre-letting-me-down-again-no-its" target="_blank" title="Seriously, pull this 20 or 30 more times and we're done.">started cancelling plans</a>, and when she didn’t they ended up <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/22225940985/a-fucked-up-day-seriously-you-probably-shouldnt" target="_blank" title="A fucked up day">making me miserable</a>,
anyways. The beauty of being wrapped up in the Hell of dating a
selfish, borderline sociopathic woman is that it kept my mind off of
you; at least until late one night I read your blog. Reading everything
you’ve been through made me hate myself for not being at your side when
you needed it the most. Then, I was taken aback by the things you said
about me and <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/04/i-guess-i-should-have-seen-that-coming.html" target="_blank" title="It was all very regrettable">responded with an assault of my own</a>.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI3psN4rajU" target="_blank" title="Keep yourself warm">Keep yourself warm-Frightened Rabbit</a><br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0twmoVZf1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Before too long I started working at <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/24336815553/blink" target="_blank" title="One of the moments which stuck out">Wal-Mart</a>,
which quickly became the worst job I’ve ever had. This, mixed with
sleeping on a couch and dealing with Jackie’s increasingly neurotic
bullshit meant I was desperately searching for anything positive to take
my mind of things and I was fortunate to come across two. The first
started with an <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/22357544760/dont-take-this-the-wrong-way-and-thanks-for-having" target="_blank" title="Too kind">anonymous comment</a>
from someone on Tumblr. After corresponding with this person like this
for awhile, she eventually introduced herself. Micky became the dear
friend I desperately needed. The second was when I hooked back up with
some old friends. <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/24176250631/this-is-a-glimpse-into-a-project-im-working-on" target="_blank" title="A day late">Larry</a>, <a href="http://thegrouptherapysessions.tumblr.com/post/27343550793/artist-kat-song-it-is-what-it-is-with-solo" target="_blank" title="It is what it is">Kat</a> and <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/24176758720/ive-finally-gotten-a-video-of-me-performing" target="_blank" title="Expulsion">I</a> started <a href="http://thegrouptherapysessions.tumblr.com/" target="_blank" title="Hells yes">Group Therapy</a>, giving each of us an artistic outlet.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0us3jQMJ1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Things with Jackie, <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/22499017832/the-raging-storm" target="_blank" title="She's awful">at least when I saw her</a>, became increasingly worse and it was becoming <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/23007950958/mom-told-me-i-could-come-home-today-i-politely" target="_blank" title="Fuck it">more than I could take</a>. I began talking with Micky more and more frequently and she helped me find the strength I needed in order to do what <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/23471160234/its-over-holy-shit-its-strange-saying-those" target="_blank" title="I'm free!">I’d been wanting for awhile</a>
at that point. Released from her baggage, Micky and I started
revealing the feelings for each other which had started to blossom.
Immediately, we plunged into a full fledged long distance relationship.
This was the beginning of the best times I’ve had since I left your
side.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0v9uwAMB1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfheygJNqOg" target="_blank" title="Topeka">Topeka-Ludo</a><br />
<br />
After a month of <a href="http://livingonlyformyself.blogspot.com/2012/06/in-last-28-days-we-have-spent-6581.html" target="_blank" title="Goddamn">intense conversations</a>,
Micky finally came for a visit and it was the beginning of the end.
She picked me up from work and, after a shower, we headed to a Group
Therapy session. This was the night when I realized my friends weren’t
who I thought they were and started losing interest in what we’d been
working on. The next day her and I checked into a hotel room and spent
the next two days ignoring the world outside its walls. While there I
could tell she had <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/26150042170/i-am-a-thief-stealing-glances-when-youre" target="_blank" title="Thief">bitten off more than she could chew</a> by pursuing me and didn’t have it in her to keep going. She proved this by <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/25904130574/an-exerpt-from-a-work-in-progress" target="_blank" title="Sounds about right">breaking up with me</a> on her drive back home. And so, I <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/30537747366/excerpts-from-an-abandoned-project" target="_blank" title="Get ready for the breakdown">spiraled back into depression</a>.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0vvhPCMn1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
For a <a href="http://thegrouptherapysessions.tumblr.com/post/30537232381/im-the-only-one-who-called-it-group-therapy-in" target="_blank" title="Seriously?">variety of reasons</a>, I started hating hanging out with Larry and Kat. This mixed with a feeling of hopelessness concerning my craft led to my <a href="http://thegrouptherapysessions.tumblr.com/post/27234525186/larry-talks-to-davlin-regarding-his-reasons-to" target="_blank" title="Yeah, no one noticed">decision to retire</a> from writing. I then filmed my <a href="http://thegrouptherapysessions.tumblr.com/post/27234469745/artist-davlin-pieces-my-testament-and-words" target="_blank" title="The last one">final performance</a> and haven’t been back since.<br />
<br />
I’d also put in my <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/27628226739/the-facts" target="_blank" title="Good riddance">two weeks notice to Wal-Mart</a> and started making plans to do something different. A week later I had a <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/27744999367/two-hours-into-my-shift-at-wal-mart-today-i" target="_blank" title="Didn't really think that one through">nervous breakdown and walked</a>.<br />
<br />
I’ve spent the month and change sinking deeper into despair and wanting to act upon my <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/28167305228/alost-fitting-in-a-way" target="_blank" title="Here we are again">darker impulses</a>.
I discovered that when my mind wasn’t preoccupied with other things, it
would always bring its focus back to you. I then found I still had
much more to say.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZ2-j1gN6RA" target="_blank" title="Justify">Justify-The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus</a><br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0wh9Gyhp1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
But I couldn’t manage anything more than a <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/28793305611/everything-has-been-gradually-falling-apart-since" target="_blank" title=":(">piece</a> or <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/28751516165/a-fleeting-moment-of-unrelenting-honesty" target="_blank" title="I miss you">two</a>
dedicated to you. I was sitting on the back porch one day with a
lighter and some of my handwritten pieces. The words scrawled upon the
pages proved painful and I sought out to destroy them. However, it
instead sparked my imagination and I started writing my <a href="http://feel-release-heal.tumblr.com/post/31786898541/samples-from-my-final-work" target="_blank" title="Really, after this I'm done.">final book</a>, which is drawing close to its completion.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0wyciaG41ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
I was working on it last week when I’d started the pages dedicated to
you lacking the materials I’d needed to complete them. This is when I
started torturing myself with emails and photos we’d exchanged. Before
long I came to the last words, which were laced with venom and have
haunted me ever since. And, just like that, I shed the last tears I’d
ever cry for you and collected them onto the pages.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW2xUC5OTEU" target="_blank" title="Hard to say">Hard to say-The Used</a><br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0x98Q15S1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
Which brings us to the now. Today is September 27 and three hours
ago was exactly a year since the last time I’d seen your face. I wish I
could be strong about this and tell you I’ve gotten over you, even
slightly, though lying is what got me into this mess to begin with. I
miss you and think about you ever day. In less than a week I’ll be back
in Texas with all it implies. I didn’t want any of this and I hope
more than anything you’re happy and, if not that, then at least okay.
And I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I have never stopped
loving you. But now I can’t allow myself to keep going back to the
“what ifs” or “could have beens”. It’s just too painful. I need to let
you go, because where I’m headed is not a place I would like you to
see. I’ve already hurt you enough as it is.<br />
<br />
Goodbye Ana.<br />
<br />
<br />
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb0xmiR00x1ro8mpx.jpg" /><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20u-GmfiqJE" target="_blank" title="I wish I could have been better">Brothers on a hotel bed-Deathcab for Cutie</a><br />
<br />
Fin.</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Davlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791107368194856232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-960978609069274969.post-11346248075989286642011-02-09T14:26:00.001-08:002011-02-09T14:26:45.194-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I've just found myself fascinated by Domino's pizza tracker.</div>Davlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791107368194856232noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-960978609069274969.post-63457728104838468632011-01-29T11:53:00.000-08:002011-01-29T11:55:06.480-08:00Now, that's just nasty.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I take song lyrics pretty seriously. In fact, I spend several hours a week perusing (the real definition) through them on sites I find on the internet. The really good ones will have a link to a player, that way you can read the words along with the audio.<br />
<br />
But there's one site in particular which really pisses me off. The second the page loads, another player automatically pops up and my ears are filled with the irritating distraction of a commercial. The particular advertisement I am forced to endure until I can scroll down to find the mute button? Dannon's Activia brand of yogurt.<br />
<br />
When I look up a song, I'm in a particular state of mind and I want to savor it as long as possible. Hearing about a cup containing the bacterial fermentation of milk which is miraculously able to keep Jamie Lee Curtis regular ruins the whole experience for me.<br />
<br />
Seriously, Jamie, first <i>Beverly Hills Chihuahua </i>and<i> </i>now this? You were in <i>Halloween</i>, for Christ's sake. Show some goddamned self respect.</div>Davlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791107368194856232noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-960978609069274969.post-30263175372525485442011-01-22T11:22:00.000-08:002011-01-22T11:51:09.225-08:00Yeah, they're the fags.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I found this comment on a youtube video detailing the old ICP/Eminem feud.<br />
<br />
"fuck icp those punkass bitches u 2 for posting this gay shit u fuckin faggot. go eat a dick and get it up tha butt fag."<br />
<br />
Analysis:<br />
No capital letters<br />
1 number posing as a word.<br />
1 letter posing as a word.<br />
16 out of the 24 actual (barley counting "tha") words are either swears, homophobic slurs or violent instructions on what to do with dicks and butts.<br />
<br />
Evaluation:<br />
This dude is seriously conflicted. </div>Davlinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791107368194856232noreply@blogger.com0